Jokes only people from Glasgow understand
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor
Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa deer,' says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be
wearing a white dress,' he replies.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is
a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says
Taiwan .'
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an
Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What
would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make
a negative - 'Aye right.'
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when
he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?'
he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel...'
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!' |
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One of the city's top cardiac specialists died.
At the funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynaecologist"
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'